This post was originally published in 2015 · Jacob M Hansen

Do you know that “one couple”?  Those two teenagers who you roll your eyes at because of how pointlessly obsessed they are with each other?   Or maybe a more important question is, are you that couple?  

Most teens have been through some type of romantic relationship.  I think that dabbling in romance is essentially inevitable during these years.   As long as we are dabbling—keeping such relationships to minimal significance—we can learn a lot about life and our own emotions.  We’ll probably look back with a smile in a few years, and no harm will be done. That said, doing more than dabbling is a bad idea.  In other words, I believe that teenagers should avoid all deeply-romantic relationships.

Before you throw my idea out in front of a high-speed train, let me say that I’m not condemning these types of relationships because they are foreign to me.  I’m also not condemning them because I, you might assume, can’t find anyone who would want to date me. (Haha! Funny, but thankfully not true.) I’ve observed people, I’ve made mistakes, and I’ve also chosen to turn away from deep romance when presented with the option.  My experience has shown me that it just isn’t worth it.  

In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey gave us some pointers about these type of relationships.  A dependant relationship is one where two emotionally-insecure people look to each other for validation and security.  He says that relationships where people are dependant on each other are negative.  The best type of relationships on the other hand, are interdependent: deliberately formed by two, emotionally-secure and happy people for their mutual benefit.  

The punchline is that you have to be independant before you can be interdependent.  Being the stoic youth that you are, I’m sure you’re ready to tell me that you’re already an emotionally stable person.  I’ve thought that about myself plenty of times. But being emotionally insecure is more than being self-conscious or depressed.  Humans are (of necessity) born insecure: we look to our parents for everything. Growing up is a process of becoming more and more independant.  

As teenagers, we simply aren’t grown up yet.  Our brains are still forming, and we haven’t learned how to master our emotions and desires for validation and belonging.  If you deny this, I’ll tell you from personal experience that you’re probably a little too caught up in yourself. The primary reason teenagers should avoid all deeply romantic relationships is that we haven’t fully learned to be emotionally independent.  The only way to learn this, is to—you guessed it—spend time acting emotionally independent.

I will note again that dabbling isn’t bad.  The lines also get fuzzy for me about shallowly-romantic relationships toward the end of your teenage years—I haven’t lived long enough to decide about that.  But just to be safe, I say err on the side of being single.

On the bright side, look at some of the benefits of not being in a relationship during your teens:

  • You develop emotional independence (obviously).
  • You experience less emotional discomfort: you feel less anxiety, longing, stress, and overall drama.
  • You have greater fun with a greater variety of people.  Not only does spreading your attention around make life more vibrant, but you’ll learn more about the type of person who will ultimately be best for you to pair up with (once you’re older, that is).
  • You have more free time, and therefore can obsess over WAY more productive things.

Wisdom From Those Who Know

Because I’m a teenager like you, I suggest you don’t entirely take my word on this issue.  Listen instead to some people who have gone through it all and can tell you from experience.  I took a few minutes to ask some older people who I respect about what they thought. If you do the same, I’m willing to bet that you’ll get some pretty similar responses. 

I first asked my grandpa, Ronald:

“Thus the short and sweet answer to your question regarding the advisability of forming early “deeply-romantic relationships” is DON’T DO IT!  Such relationships are distracting! Life may be short and “first love” may seem so “right”, but this is the logic of immature and inexperienced youth; rather like thinking with your heart rather than your mind!  Life may in fact be short, but this is all the more reason to delay those distracting, self-gratifying urges of youth in order to make your remaining “short life” so much more fulfilling and rewarding! 

“A true mark of maturity is the ability to delay self-gratification for a fuller self-fulfilling future life of happiness and joy. Do not be distracted by the non-productive “passions” of youth!” (emphasis added)

I then asked my grandma, Diane (from the other side of the family).  I was surprised to learn that she had been in a very serious relationship all throughout high school, but ended it once she realized that it wasn’t healthy.  Here are some of her insights:

“Did my teenage relationship with one boy affect my life?  Sure! I learned how to compromise and give and take. But I don’t recommend it to any teen that I know. …I am not scarred for life because I was serious about a guy.  I learned some life lessons. But they were learned the hard way.

“I would tell any teen to stay clear of serious relationships until they are out of high school and have experienced some of the adult world.  Maybe there is pressure to be a “couple”. But it is far better to be a friend to the opposite sex. Not that you shouldn’t date, but don’t let it get deeper than that.  A teen isn’t emotionally mature enough for serious relationships. I know I felt like I was. But I really wasn’t. Like I said before – once I took a step back, I could see reality.  Once the pressure was gone, I felt like another person.  

So many pressures are on teens today.  An serious relationship will complicate life more, not less.  Figure out who you really are first.  Make all kinds of friends.  Get through high school. Set some goals…Then you will have more maturity when you finally do meet your soulmate.”

Grandparents are way older than us, you might protest.  What do they know? Given that they have four times the life experience, I would argue that their relationship advice is among the most valid.  Just to be sure, I asked one of my teenage coworkers about the issue. This girl is nineteen, and married with a one-year-old daughter. She dated someone pretty intensely all throughout her teenage years.  

She expressed a wish that she had focused on other things while she was in school, and even that she hadn’t married so soon.  She talked about how she wanted to go to college and travel the world, but how the stresses and commitments of her relationships are big obstacles.  From what I can tell, she is happy—but that doesn’t mean that life wouldn’t be a lot easier if she had delayed entering the arena of deep romance. 

She summed up her points in a very simple way:

 “Teens need to spend time getting to know themselves.  They need to learn how to take care of their own needs before trying to take care of someone else’s.”

My conclusion is that you should avoid engaging in all deeply-romantic relationships while a teenager.  If you’re living the ideal life already, kudos to you! (And let us know in the comments!) If you’re currently dating someone, muster some courage and fix your priorities.  Don’t worry about breaking your boyfriend/girlfriend’s heart: I have learned that with a little love and patience, you’ll never have to worry about being ruthlessly slammed on social media or finding your car tires slashed—and really, delaying the inevitable will only increase your/his/her impending pain.