This post was originally published in 2014 · Jacob M Hansen

Man’s best friend is a dog.  What is the defining attribute of Man’s best friend?  Loyalty. And more than that, loyalty is the reason why man has a best friend at all.  But despite this, our culture no longer sees loyalty the way it once did, and we under prioritize it.  As a consequence, promises mean less, complete trust is foolhardy, and betrayal is no longer such a surprise. 

If you haven’t ever been hurt in some way by disloyalty, you’re either lucky or you’ve chosen your friends very wisely.  But most of us have experienced the disappointment, sadness, and sometimes denial that comes when we learn that an associate, teammate, or friend isn’t who we thought them to be.  

I see loyalty as a virtue that everyone should understand and seriously seek to develop.  So let’s take a look at what it really is.

What loyalty is

If you asked ten people to define loyalty, you would probably get seven to eight different answers.  This is because loyalty is founded on relationships with other people, and as we experience different seasons in life we often mold our definition of things like loyalty to justify our current actions.  I see this as a major problem, because by its very nature, true loyalty cannot be subjective. That would defeat the purpose of loyalty because 

Loyalty is fulfilling a commitment to someone when it no longer directly furthers our goals.

Or to put it in its simplest form,

Loyalty = (love x integrity) x hardship 

Wait!  Don’t let your eyes glaze over at the sight of an equation.  I’ve used multiplication here (and will use throughout this series) because it illustrates a very important part of any virtue.  Namely, that virtue cannot exist without opposition: if hardship were zero, the result of the equation is zero, and there is no loyalty.  Additionally (haha, pun intended), it shows that developing/experiencing any of these three elements can all increase the loyalty you give to others. 

Loyalty is nurtured by love and held together by integrity: the reason you commit to someone in the first place, is because you love them.  And when things get tough, your emotions change, and you lose sight of why you committed, your integrity keeps you on the right path. 

Note that I don’t mean to say that all commitments, once made, should remain in force forever.  Without sufficient upkeep appropriate to the relationship, commitments will naturally begin to deteriorate.  It’s also completely acceptable to clearly (as in you’ve discussed this with the other person, and officially broken ties) end a commitment when it isn’t working out.  And when commitments go away, the need for loyalty packs its bags too. So no, you’re probably not obligated to do anything for that friend you haven’t seen in half a decade.  But to your current significant other, it’s a whole different story.

Perhaps the most concrete example of loyalty involves soldiers fighting in battle.  As a soldier, a lot of the time you defend your comrades because you care about them, and because it increases your own chance of survival; there really isn’t another option.  But when you’re captured by the enemy, you face the choice between prison, torture, and probable death, and betraying your side. If you choose to be loyal, you won’t be doing so because it helps you in any way.  You’ll do it because you love your buddies, and you honor the commitments you’ve made to them. 

Associative commitment

I have yet to meet a person who lives by a legal document.  Perhaps you can imagine a middle aged man who runs around life with a briefcase full of pens and every kind of legal document, intended for every possible situation where he may be asked to do something.  When he joins a team, job, or relationship, he whips out a ream of paper that outlines exactly everything he is required to do. He never directly breaks the contract, but neither does he do any more. And if you ask me, this man seems pretty ridiculous.  

Loyalty cannot exist without commitment, but this commitment doesn’t come from signatures and fine print.  While communication is important to any relationship, commitment can exist between two people even if they have never brought the subject up.  It’s what I’m calling Associative Commitment: the idea that if you choose to spend time with someone (or a group of people) with a common goal, you are building a level of commitment by showing them that you value them, what they stand for, and their company.  Whether it is as small as which school you go to, or as large as which army you fight for, you have made commitments, and it’s you choice to either be loyal or disloyal.  

This is especially clear when it comes to relationships.  Best friends, and couples who are in the early stages of a relationship, don’t always consciously measure how much they are committing to each other.  Although it is more of a mutual understanding, disloyalty to these commitments cannot be justified by saying that it was never “defined” or “official”.  

If you ever find yourself trying to “get out” of being loyal to someone, than your love for them has probably lapsed.  At that point you need to exercise some integrity, and you need to realize that loyalty is for others, not for your personal, immediate, and constant gratification.  It requires selflessness. 

The bane of loyalty is selfishness.  The selfish man will see an opportunity to sell out his friends, and take it: because in the short term, he profits.  And this is perhaps the main reason why our culture under prioritizes loyalty.

Our culture is dominantly focused on the “me” in life (if you need proof of this, simply visit your local Walmart on Black Friday, or browse through a couple thousand selfies).  Now, this isn’t inherently a bad thing, but generally speaking we too often do things only for what we can personally get out of doing them, and without consideration for who else may be affected.  Consequently, we lack loyalty.  

It’s worth it

But loyalty is worth it.  Because firstly, there’s a personal satisfaction that comes from looking in the mirror and knowing that you’ve stood by someone when it was hard, that you didn’t cheat yourself, and that other people can rely on you.  But secondly and more importantly, because loyalty begets loyalty: others will stand by you and aid you, if you are loyal to them. If you heard that your friend stood up for you when you weren’t around, wouldn’t you return the favor?  

Some people may agree with the idea of being loyal, but when put to the test, rationalize disloyalty by saying that they just don’t want to be “tied down”.  Realistically however, you’re far from tied down. On the contrary, loyalty increases social, emotional, and (in some cases) even physical security.  It frees you from worry and allows you to build relationships in ways that are otherwise impossible.

And you simply don’t get those things if you are disloyal, because if you’re all in it for yourself when things get easy, you’re also all by yourself when things get hard; would you trust someone who belittled you behind your back because it would help them socially?  Of course not! They basically told you that you weren’t as important to them as a little temporary comfort. 

So commit to the people you love, and when you think you see a shortcut to what you want–one that will tread on your commitments–have some integrity and be loyal.  For when life gets hard, only the loyal will have friends to turn to. And when all things are accounted for, what have we of value in life, if not friends?