This post was originally published in 2014 · Jacob M Hansen

Lets start by making one thing clear: some people are just plain stupid, irrational, selfish, and downright mean.  Definitely not the caliber of people a respectable, intelligent, and completely humble person like yourself would want to spend time around.  In fact, you often wonder why you waste your breath arguing with them, when they’ll always be stuck in their closed minded, inconsiderate head.  And the worst part about it? They think the same thing about you!

If you’re like the rest of the human race, then at some point or another, you’ve felt something similar to the above rant about someone you’ve known.  Until you have a completely perfect life, there will always be some people that you just don’t get along with easily: they probably range anywhere from the close family members you live with, to simple acquaintances.  

Specific people aside however, it’s a fact that we all experience conflict with other human beings on a daily basis, ranging from a disagreement with friend or coworker, to a full fledged fight with a family member, to a debate in the comments of a YouTube video.    

Of course, there’s nothing bad about disagreement itself, but a problem arises when fundamental disagreements–left unresolved–inevitably result in extended and recurring conflict.  And sadly enough, in today’s world, hardly any of these conflicts are ever actually resolved and put to rest with both sides made happy. People simply spend far too much time disagreeing, and far too little time agreeing.  

The truth is, as long as there are people, there will be conflict.  Because by our nature, we disagree on just about everything, and because its easy to be right and hard to admit to being wrong. That said, the key to happily resolving the majority of these conflicts lie in single word: diplomacy.

Put simply, diplomacy is the art of building a bridge between two opposing views by finding common ground.  It is not only part of the grand tactics used in international politics, but at its core, diplomacy is simply the tool used to resolve conflict, wherever that conflict may be.

And so without further ado, here’s my take on the five steps to developing the art of diplomacy.  When used fully and sequentially (no skipping), they become your roadmap to overcoming any and every human relationship problem in your personal life.

1) Realize that you might be wrong in the particular situation, even if at the moment it would seem otherwise.  This humility allows you to learn and grow from the opposing side, and you cannot proceed to diplomacy if you only focus on how right you are.  Or rather, how right you think you are.  Because realistically, whoever you’re disagreeing with probably has a brain capable of thinking too. 

2) Affirm goodwill.  If a person thinks that you’re just trying to argue with, manipulate, or shove your ideas on them, they aren’t going to listen to anything you have to say.  Simply let them know that you value them and their opinions (if you don’t, then why argue in the first place?), and that you want to find the best possible solution to the problem.  

3) First seek to understand, than to be understood.  You cannot find a solution if you know only half the problem.  If you don’t make an effort to understand the opposing side, they first of all won’t want to listen to you, and second, if they happen to be right and you gravely mistaken, you’ll never find out. 

4) Find common ground.  You can’t build a bridge over a river without first securing land on both sides of the water.  Additionally, you can often solve a disagreement simply by looking for where you agree, because a lot of arguments exist only because people have different ways of saying the same thing.

5) Seek a win-win solution.  Too many people have the mindset of win-lose, where one side must be right and the other must be wrong.  But if thats how you see the world, diplomacy will never work. Everyone wants to win, and everyone can; there doesn’t have to be a loser for every winner.  By finding agreement and win-win solutions, everyone leaves happy, and the end result is always better than it could have been had you battled each other into submission.  After all, doesn’t a bridge benefit those on both sides of the river?

By following these five diplomatic steps, conflict is resolved, solutions are found, and bridges are built where they can do the most good.  The only downside is that it requires some effort, open mindedness, and a whole lot of humility. But in case you’re wondering why you should spend the time and effort trying to get along with people who you don’t want to get along with, lets take a look at the life of a man who made it his business to resolve conflict.

As one of America’s founding fathers, Benjamin Franklin is often called ‘America’s greatest diplomat’.   In his lifetime he established treaties with France and England, helped write the Declaration of Independence and the U.S. Constitution, served as governor of Pennsylvania, and did much, much more to benefit his community. 

Through his use of diplomacy, Franklin lived a life that few people can equal, and did more good for his fellow men then most would ever dream of.  Almost without exception, he was loved and respected by all who knew or heard of him, regardless of their nationality or cause, because he knew just how to build diplomatic bridges, spanning differences between people and thereby making the world around him a better place.

As Abraham Lincoln once said, “I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends.”2  So it is in life: through the use of diplomacy, or the lack thereof, you can either have friends or you can have enemies.  It’s your choice, but if you look at those around you as human beings, and do your best to work with them, you might just find that your life is only as rich as the people in it. 

So what’s stopping you from resolving needless conflict and enriching your life?  Simply remember the principles of diplomacy, learn them, apply them, and watch them change your life.  Start today, and build some bridges.